I’M NOT A CELEBRITY....GET ME OUT OF HERE!

After I spent most of Saturday, 25^th February preparing and cooking 120 savoury mini-muffins, to be eaten the following day - if I see another muffin it will be too soon!

I’m not sure how or why it is I get invited to parties of whatever description that end up costing me more than it does the hosts!  I think I have a flashing neon light on my forehead that only others can see!

This “garden party” was the 40^th wedding anniversary “celebration” of my ex-sister-in-law and her husband (the sister of my second husband, and now ex, but still good mate).  

The husband is a retired barrister; the wife a retired nursing sister.  Both have much more money than I do.

Their home is not far from where I dwell; probably about half a kilometre or thereabouts, give or take. Less as the crow flies. 

However, I when I tried to hitch a ride on one of the crows that – take note of this – that gets regular hand-outs from me - it refused because of the large platters I was taking with me! More particularly, he declined to give me a lift when I refused him a muffin or two!  Unruffled, I packed the goodies in my car and drove myself to the party, instead.

Forty years ago my then husband and I attended his sister’s wedding, the reception of which was held at the top of Brisbane’s Mt. Coot-tha – in the restaurant thereupon.  

My ex and his sister no longer talk. I know and understand the reasons why...and I know whose side I stand on, and it’s not the side of my ex-sister-in-law.  I know a lot she doesn’t know I know.   I keep my own counsel.

My ex wasn’t invited to the garden party.  Lucky him!    My ex-brother-in-law and his wife were invited, but they didn’t attend...lucky them!

Reluctantly, I accepted the invitation (there is always a method, purpose and reason for my bursts of madness...too long and complex to go into in detail. Suffice to say, I find it difficult having to deal with hypocrites and/or pretentious people - and the party the other day had more than its fair share of them!

Between 60 to 80 people attended the garden party.

The invitation said to “bring a plate”.  Until the heat of summer hit with full force I had been doing some de-cluttering, taking what I no longer need or use to the local OP Shops; one is run by the RSPCA and the other by the local Presbyterian Church.  

Seeing I was asked, on the invitation, to bring a plate, I had considered taking along quite a few plates I no longer use, plates that are hijacking space and gathering dust. 

Instead, of course, I did as I was bidden, deciding against playing the fool.

I should’ve gone with my original thought and played the fool.  Instead I was taken for a fool, as were other invited guests, in my opinion.  

Along with the two large platters brimming with mini muffins, I also took with me a bottle of Andrew Peace Rosé.  

I’d not tried this particular Rosé before, but I’m glad I accepted the word of the fellow at the bottle shop because it was a very nice wine.  

Andrew Peace Vineyard and Winery is situated at Piangil, on the banks of the mighty, majestic Murray River, in the Mallee Region of northern Victoria. We are fortunate in this country.  Australia produces a vast array of wonderful wines.

When I was working in the role of Groups-Conventions Manager at the Ramada Reef Resort, at Palm Cove, north of Cairns after I’d left the resort on Hinchinbrook Island I tried to promote Rosé because I believed it to be a perfect wine for our summer months.  I couldn’t understand why Rosé wasn’t more popular back then.  

My personal preference is for gutsy red wines, such as Shiraz or Cabernet Sauvignon, but during summer, particularly during the daylight hours, Rosé is a perfect match for our long, hot summer days.

For many years the best-known and best-selling Rosé in this country was Mateus Rosé, a wine imported from Portugal.

Fortunately, the “climate”...and tastes have altered over the years.  Australia now produces some excellent Rosé wines, and Aussies are choosing them over the imported ones.

One of the best is Bird in Hand Pinot Rosé....it is magnificent.   

Bird in Hand winery is located near the town of Woodside in the Adelaide Hills of South Australia.  

As far as alcohol goes, I drink very little these days, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a quality wine (or spirits, both of the alcoholic kind and human kind!) when I have it.  

I suppose similar applies all over. I may not have a lot of money, and I live in a rented, humble cabin, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the good things in life, as humble as many of those are, too.

These days I no longer host and cater for dinner or luncheon parties, or for parties of any description.  I stopped doing so a few years ago.

  

However, when I did entertain others in my own abode and surrounds, I never asked, nor did I expect my guests to bring a “plate”. Everyone, or most, brought their own liquor, as is the normal, unspoken practice, but never food.

More fool me regarding the food, I guess, but I enjoyed the planning; the purchasing of the necessary ingredients; the preparation, the creating and the cooking.  I enjoyed being the hostess; I enjoyed presenting the food that I had prepared to my guests.

However, I digress....

I think the party the other day, for me, was the most boring I’ve ever attended.  

People were too spread out, for one thing.  Parties, to get them going off with a swing, need “body heat”.  Meaning - having people spread wide apart over a vast area never works well.  People need to be near people – up close to each other – to have fun.  

The garden party on Sunday, 26^th February, as the name denotes, was held outside in the garden...the grounds of which cover about four acres.  Having tables dotted around the grounds, at distances apart from each other, is never going to work well.

  

Party-goers like to be “up close and personal”  Once you have people seated at tables apart in their little groups, that is where they remain for most of the time.

To make matters worse, for me, one of the guests, the best friend of the male host, early in the proceedings, attempted to, in the presence of people, some of whom I didn’t know, or who knew me...tried to start a conversation in which he was going to be derogatory towards my ex-husband, the hostess’ brother!  

Well, I wasn’t going to stand for that (although, I almost did leap to my feet in anger). I will never stand for ignorant comments being made!  And that clown who dared to open his mouth should have known better.  He soon closed it.  Looking him directly in the eye, I put him in his place quick smart, leaving him floundering in his own mess.

I’d met the fellow concerned in the early Seventies.  Our paths have crossed only a handful of times since those days.  

The last time was about seven and a half years ago when I catered for said ex-sister-in-law’s 60^th birthday party.

  

Each crossing of our paths has been brief.  But there he was about ready to mimic, to echo thoughts he’d picked up from his best friend, the host of Sunday’s party, and those of my ex-sister-in-law. Some people never learn.   

The host and hostess of the party choose not to have anything to do with her, the hostess' brother, my ex-husband. My ex and I are in regular contact, a few times a week.

My loyalties will always be with my ex-husband, even if there are times and have been times he gives me the shits (he’s aware of this, of course), but I will always have his back.  He’s aware of that, too.  It works both ways.  

I will not sit by and allow another or others spew out stuff about which they have no idea.  It is not their right to do so, nor is it any of their business.  

To make matters worse the other day, that clown was about to offer his “ill-informed insights” about my ex-husband in the presence of strangers...people who don’t know me or my ex – who know absolutely nothing about our lives, together or apart!!

He will never again attempt to do so when in my presence. 

Personally, although I kept it well-hidden, I gained pleasure witnessing the way his mouth dropped open and remained so mid-word, and the way he began to squirm when I retaliated forcefully!   

My prompt response cut him off short. It was not expected by him.  He stayed far away from me after the incident, which pleased me.  At least, he was smart enough to do so. Perhaps he realised he valued his safety much more than he thought he did.

I think he went away to wipe the egg from his face.

People should learn to shut their mouth, and keep it shut when it comes to matters they know nothing about.

I don’t suffer fools easily...I don’t suffer fools at all.

Along with the rests of the guests, I was forced to sit through a self-indulgent “concert” put on by the above idiot who classes himself as the Brisbane equivalent to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice and Steven Sondheim all wrapped up in one!

The first glimpse I had of an escape hatch...I headed for it.   

Politely, I said my farewell to the hosts,  and, relieved, I came home...where I let out a loud sigh!  

There’s no place like home!

Savoury Muffins: Preheat oven to 190°C (170°C fan-forced). Grease muffin pan/s. Cook bacon in heated pan until crisp, drain on absorbent paper, cool. (Or replace bacon with drained sun-dried tomatoes, as I did). Sift 2c self-raising flour and 1 cup plain flour into large bowl. In another bowl, combine bacon/sun-dried tomatoes, 1/3c grated parmesan cheese, 3/4c sliced black olives and Italian herbs;  then add 2 lightly-beaten eggs, 2tbs tomatoe puree,3tsp  sambal oelek, 3 crushed garlic cloves, 3/4c light x-virgin oil and 1-1-1/2c buttermilk (or a combination of milk and sour cream); fold into flours; don’t over-mix.  Spoon mixture into prepared pan; sprinkle with extra herbs and grated cheese.  You can top them with pumpkin/pepita seeds, halved cherry tomatoes or sliced black olives, if you like..

Corn Muffins:   To make buttermilk - in glass jug/bowl, stir 1/2c milk with 1-1/2tsp vinegar; let stand for 5 minutes. In large bowl, whisk together 1c yellow cornmeal (polenta), 1c plain flour, 1/2tsp baking soda, 1/2tsp salt and1/2tsp pepper. In another bowl, whisk together 1x420g can creamed corn, buttermilk, 1/4c light ex-virgin olive oil, 2 eggs and 1/4tsp Sambal Olek; pour over cornmeal mixture. Sprinkle with 1c shredded cheddar and parmesan cheeses, 1/2c frozen corn kernels, thinly sliced chives and 1/4c finely-chopped parsley (and/or fresh spinach leaves); stir just until dry ingredients are moistened.  DON”T over-mix. Spoon into greased muffin pan. Bake in centre of 400°F (200°C) oven until tester inserted into centre comes out clean, about 20 minutes. Let cool on rack. (Make-ahead: Store in airtight container for up to 2 days or wrap individually and freeze in airtight container for up to 2 weeks.)

FIFTY SHADES DARKER...

Noosa River, Noosaville

Cooked Moreton Bay Bugs and Prawns

We’ve all experienced excruciating moments at some time or other, haven’t we?   

There’s no need to blush!  Own up! Fair crack of the whip! Face up to and admit it! Stop shaking your head in denial! I know you’ve been intimately familiar with the rawness of the feeling – of the moment, just as I have been. 

Yes, I mean you and you, and you; and also you over there ducking for cover trying to make yourself invisible. Give up - it won’t work!  ‘Tis only I who has the power to become invisible!  

It would be a rare person, indeed, who has never suffered at the indiscriminate hands of embarrassment; whether you’ve been the involuntary, self-inflicting perpetrator; or been a bystander, an innocent victim at the indiscriminate, desultory words and/or actions of another.   

Each of us has suffered - encountered - those unexpected, unrehearsed moments when we’ve unintentionally uttered an utterance at the wrong time in the wrong company; or, instances where we’ve felt embarrassment for another because of their seemingly thoughtless behaviour and/or words. Whether the latter is from their personal lack of self-control or from plain ignorance doesn’t lessen the mortification felt.

The many times we’ve put our own foot (sometimes two feet) in our mouth, or when others clumsily put their big clod hoppers in their mouth, those are the moments when, without compassion, the fifty shades darker – of red; vivid, darker and brighter shades of red – strike with passionate dominance!  

One Saturday night in the restaurant my ex and I managed at Gympie Terrace...just down the road a bit from Hilton Terrace,

Noosaville (via Noosa Heads) in the early Eighties, I turned quickly, lost my footing and landed – having managed to display a glimpse of decorum within a spit second - on my butt, while being smothered by my tiered, black corduroy skirt.  

Perhaps, that particular unplanned, unexpected trick of mine should have caused me to be embarrassed to the hilt on Hilton, but I wasn’t.  Instead, when I noticed the looks on the diners’ faces, my uncontrollable laughter took control, leaving me hopelessly, helplessly hysterical.  

Upon witnessing me soaring through the air like the Flying Nun, before I’d even hit the floor our restaurant guests buried their flushed faces in their meals, pretending they’d not seen my surprise performance.  

Our disconcerted, abashed diners were embarrassed on my behalf; there was no need for me to turn fifty shades darker...they did it for me!

In the restaurant there were more red faces than on “Hey! Hey It’s Saturday’s segment – ‘Red Faces’”..... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-654X7J6Yo   

(For my overseas’ readers who are not familiar with “Hey! Hey! It’s Saturday” – it was a once very popular long-running variety programme on Australia television that was shown, as the name denotes, on Saturday evenings).

The reaction of the diners’ was priceless. 

I found their response to my rendition of “Swan Lake” to be hilarious.  Laughing so much I had no time to be embarrassed. 

The restaurant, the "Laguna Belle" didn't cruise on a lake, but it did cruise the Noosa River Friday and Saturday nights; and Sunday lunch/afternoons.  The rest of the week we were dockside.  

Therefore, I thought a production of  Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake" was more appropriate than William Byrd's "Pelican Bill".

(The cruising restaurant that once was the "Laguna Belle" no longer exists.  We had so much fun, so many good times on "The Belle"...an unforgettable period in my life).

I picked myself up - encumbered by their own embarrassment none of the diners offered to come to my aid - I pulled myself together, straightened my attire, and blissfully continued on as if my performance was part of the night’s entertainment.   

We couldn’t afford to hire professional entertainers so, when necessary, I stepped up to the plate - ever ready to please. 

As I soared through the air with the greatest of ease leading up to my grand finale of a perfectly-executed thud, Sam & Dave’s “I Can’t Stand Up For Falling Down” was probably the background mood music.  

The diners couldn’t blame the food for any indigestion suffered.  My graceful performance of landing on my rump was enough to cause them to choke on their prawns or Moreton Bay bugs.

I’ve had embarrassing moments in my life, some caused by me; some by others; the incident described above wasn’t one of them. 

Lamb Rump Steaks with Red Lentil Salad: Brush 4 lamb rump steaks with olive oil.  Cook in pre-heated hot pan on one side until moisture appears; turn; cook other side to degree of doneness; don’t overcook. Remove from heat; cover loosely; allow to rest. For the salad: cook 3/4c red lentils in boiling water for 3-4 minutes to retain texture and colour. Drain and place in cold water. Dice 1 small red capsicum, 1 small yellow capsicum, 3 tomatoes, 1 Lebanese cucumbers, chop ½ bunch parsley, ¼ bunch mint and one red onion; place  in bowl; season with 1/2tsp cumin, zest and juice of  1 lemon, pepper and 2tbs olive oil; add drained, cooled lentils; serve with the lamb rumps.

Stilton-Stuffed Rumps: Mash together 150g Stilton/blue cheese, 15g butter, 1tbs cream and 2tbs finely chopped hazelnuts; season.  Cut a small incision at each opposite end of 4x180g rump steaks (about 1-inch thick); don’t cut through steaks. Open each pocket in steaks; fill with mixture; secure pockets with toothpicks. Cover and chill 30mins.  Gently heat 25g butter in pan; add 2 halved, sliced red onions; cook 4-5mins until soft; add 2 springs fresh thyme leaves, 1tbs soft brown sugar, 200ml red wine, 4tbs balsamic vinegar and 1tbs redcurrant jelly; cook 4-5mins until caramelized; stir occasionally. Heat 2tbs olive oil in pan; season steaks; cook to preference; serve steaks with onion marmalade, jacket spuds and salad. 

Moreton Bay Bug & Prawn Pasta: Heat olive oil in large pan; add 3x250g Moreton Bay bugs, halved, in shell and 200g smoky bacon, cut into smallish pieces; season; turn bugs every minute or so; after 4 or so mins, remove bugs from pan; don't over-cook.  Add 1kg peeled, de-veined green prawns, 1 long red chilli, chopped and 4 chopped garlic cloves; sauté 2mins, or until prawns just cooked; return bugs to pan with 4 diced tomatoes and a splash of white wine; add cooked pasta and knob of butter; heat through. 

Red Velvet Cake with Raspberries and Blueberries: For the cake: Preheat oven to 176C/350F. Grease two 9 inch round baking pans; line with baking paper. Place in fridge. Sift 2-1/4c sifted plain flour into medium bowl. Measure the 2-1/4 cups, then sift flour with 2tbs unsweetened cocoa powder, 1tsp baking soda, 1tsp baking powder and 1/2tsp salt into a large bowl. Combine 1c buttermilk (if you can’t get buttermilk...pour a little vinegar into the milk and let it stand for about 5mins – it will become “buttermilk), 2tbs sour cream, 1tbs red food colouring/cochineal, 2tsp vanilla and 1tsp white vinegar in small bowl. Whisk until smooth. With a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream 8tbs unsalted, room-temp butter and 1-1/2csugar on medium speed until fluffy, about 4-5mins. Add 2 large, room-temperature eggs, one at a time, blending well after each addition, scraping down the bowl with a spatula as needed. Add the flour mixture in 4 batches, alternating with the buttermilk mixture, beginning and ending with the flour. Divide batter between the cake pans. Bake 24-29mins, or until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Cool 10mins in the pans; then invert onto wire racks; remove paper; cool completely.  Frosting: With a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat 3x240g room-temp cream cheese and 12tbs room-temp unsalted butter until blended. Add 5tsp vanilla; beat to blend. Add 3-3/4c icing sugar; slowly mix to blend; then increase speed to medium for 1 minute. Place one cake layer, bottom/flat side up onto a platter or cake stand. Frost top with a generous cup of cream cheese frosting; then top with 1 package/punnet of raspberries and 1/2 package/punnet of blueberries, pressing lightly. Top with second cake layer, domed side up. Spread remaining frosting over top and sides of cake. Arrange berries decoratively on the top. Store cake covered in fridge (can make the day before – let stand 1 hour before serving). If desired, dust with icing sugar before cutting and serving.