LET’S TALK THE TALK; OR WAWK THE WAWK WHILE WE TAWK!

I’ll work it out, or “werk” it out! Bear with me while I bare my thoughts; not my soul, nor sole…my thorts. I’ve a dilemma. You might be able to assist me, if you care or “cair”. English is a complex language. It masquerades under many disguises. However, I find it nigh impossible to excuse bad spelling. For the record, I offer no excuses for myself when I make a blunder. On those occasions, I’m harder on me than I am on others.

If “bear” and “bare” are pronounced “bair”; why then is “hear” not “hare” or “hair”, instead of “heer”? Why is “dear” - “deer” - not “dare” as is “bear” and “bare”? Should “dare” be “dahh”? “Are” is! Why isn’t “are”-“air” instead of “ahhh”? “Hair” is “hair”, which makes sense because “air” is as it appears, even though air can’t be seen…umm…“scene”? Why is “word” not “werd”? “Nerd” is “nerd”. On the other hand, “heard” is “herd” not “heerd”! A sword is not a sawd, although it sounds like one. If “sword” is “sawd” why, then, isn’t “word” - “wawd”? Why isn’t “sw” in “sword” as it is in “sweet”?

It is said that a “coup” is a “coo”; but isn’t a “coo” what a pigeon or two do when housed a coop? “Said” is “sed”, but “shed” isn’t “shaid”. War is “waw”; “far” is “fah” - why, then, isn’t “war” – “wah”; or why isn’t “far” - “faw”? “Ward” is “wawd” not “wahhd”. “Faring” is “fairing”, not “fahhring”! To be specific, depending on which side of the Pacific one reclines “spelt” is spelt “spelled” or “spelled” is spelled “spelt”. Spelt is a flour, but not a flower. “Flour” rhymes with “our” and “hour”, why doesn’t “four”?

Are you confused, yet? One is “one”. Should it be “wun”? “Won” is “wun”; but looks like it should rhyme with “on”. “Two is “too” or “to”, too! I sound like a train, or is that “trane”? On the flip side; “on” is “on”, not “un”. If “one” rhymes with “gun”, why isn’t “gone”…“gun”? Is there no end to this? Maybe I should stop while I’m ahead; or is that “ahed”?

We’ve all words over which we stumble and trip. If I don’t inhale deeply and concentrate intently, I splutter and spit over “phenomenon” or “subliminal”, to name but two. I admit I’m a coward; I avoid them if possible. Incorrect pronunciations grate on my nerves, too...e.g. “important” pronounced as “impordand”; an erroneous “a” inserted making the abomination, “cock-A-roaches”; when an extra “d” is inflicted upon “avocado” making - “aDvocado”; and when “awf” replaces “off”. If your surname was “Head” and your parents named you “Richard”, you’d divorce them; if your surname was “Case”, with “Edward” as your Christian name, you’d raise a few eyebrows! Whew! It’s time for a Bex and a lie down! Perhaps it’s ”ly”; or is it “lye”? Oh! Dammit…fib!

Simple Spelt Bread: Grease two 9x5-inch loaf pans. Mix together 8c spelt flour, 1/2c sesame seeds, 1/2tsp salt, 1tbl molasses, 2tsp baking soda and 4-1/4c milk until blended. Divide evenly into pans. Bake in preheated 175C oven, 1hr 10mins. Placing same-size tin over loafs when baking gives a lovely crust.

Spelt Banana-Honey Bread: Grease and line base and sides of two 8x20cm loaf pans. Combine 225g each whole spelt and white spelt flour, 3/4c brown sugar, 3tsp baking powder, 1tsp bicarb soda and 2tsp cinnamon; add 1c coarsely-chopped walnuts and 1c coarsely-chopped dried dates; stir. Combine 2c mashed bananas, 3/4c vegetable oil, 3 lightly-whisked eggs and 1/3c honey; add flour; stir with wooden spoon until just combined; pour into pans; smooth surfaces; bake in preheated 180C oven, 35-40mins. Cool on wire rack.

Grated Vegetable Fritters: Peel and grate 400g potatoes and 150g carrots; add 360g grated zucchini, 125g drained corn kernels, 1 finely-chopped onion, 1/2c S.R. flour, salt, 1/4c chopped parsley and 3 egg yolks. Beat egg whites until stiff peaks; fold through vegetable mixture. Heat large pan over med-heat; add a little oil; add 1/3c mixture; cook 5mins; cook four at a time; turn, cook 5-8mins.

Vegetable Potato-Crusted Pie: Salt 2 packed cups grated spuds; drain in colander; squeeze out excess moisture; add to 1 beaten egg and 1/4c grated onion. Pat into well-oiled 9-inch pie dish; build up sides with lightly-floured fingers; bake at 204C, 40-50mins; after 30mins, brush crust with a little oil. Reduce oven to 190C. Filling: Sauté 1c chopped onion and 1 garlic clove, minced; add thyme and basil; add 3c vegetables of choice; cook, covered 10mins. Spread 1/2c grated cheese over base of crust; add vegetables; top with more grated cheese. Whisk together 2 eggs and 1/4c milk; season; pour over filling; dust with paprika; bake 35-40mins until set.