HEY! TRUE BLUE! WANNA COME A WALTZIN’ MATILDA WITH ME?

Following on from my previous post which was also about Australia Day, 26th January...I figured I'd post another post with an Aussie Day flavour...just a bit of fictional nonsense I composed when I had nothing else better to do! If those of you in the Northern Hemisphere need a translator...let me know!


“G’Day, Sheila! Whaddaya do for a crust?” He slurred; a durry hanging limply from his lascivious lips. Right up I could tell he was as useless as a pickpocket at a nudist camp! Strewth! It only took a brief squizz to see he was a wacka! He was so wet I could’ve shot ducks off him! I felt like telling him to put a cork in it! Dressed like a show pony, he was all froth and bubble. My dander rose straight away. He was as bald as a bandicoot; not that I’ve got anything against baldies, I haven’t; but I must say, I’ve seen a better head on a glass of beer! His was like a Mini with its doors open; and you could’ve hung your washing on his teeth, including the sheets! Mainly, it was his behavior. He carried on like a dingbat from the moment he set foot in the bar. He’d obviously had a skinful elsewhere. His parrot mouth got on my goat immediately. I felt like chucking a wobbly!

I’d been quietly minding my own business enjoying a couple of Aussie Day amber fluids at the pub in Bullamakana when the galah sidled up to me. At first glance I saw that he was all froth and no beer. He was drinking gee and tee with his pinkie cocked! If his brains were dynamite they couldn’t blow his Akubra off – if he wore one! Who drinks gee and tees in an outback pub, I ask? Yep! A dingaling…and that’s putting it politely! I could tell by his red bulbous nose with craters as deep as Etna’s that he’d been hitting the turps pretty hard and long. I didn’t come down in the last shower; and that’s saying something because I was out the back of Bourke in Never-Never country; so the last rain out in the mulga was when cocky was an egg; a long time ago! Deadset…this dropkick was as skinny as a sapling with the bark scraped off, and as thick as a brick. I reckoned he was so slow-witted he wouldn’t have been able to get a job as a speed bump! What was on his mind stood out as clearly as a black crow in a bucket of milk! He was a two pot screamer as well as being a two bob lair with high hopes! What a combination!

The atmosphere grew steadily heavier the longer he hung about, but he didn’t bat an eyelid. He was shickered! The words spewing out of his mouth were all over the place like a mad woman’s breakfast! Randy as a backyard rooster, he tried to put the hard word on, but he lucked out. He was as dead as mutton chops to me! “In ya boot, mate!” I told him. “Skedaddle before I spit the dummy! You’re as useless as fly screens on a submarine!”

By that stage, my stomach thought my throat was cut! Beckoning the bloke behind the bar, I ordered a steak sanga. The yob lit up like a Manly Ferry. He decided to put his two-bob’s worth in: “Great idea! I’ll join ya!”

“You’ve got Buckley’s! You’ve only got one oar in the water!” I tossed at the pest as I moved further down the bar away from him.

“Give it a break, cobber! D’ya think it’s bush week?” The barman growled. “You’ve taken on more than you can poke a stick at with her! You’re smashed. Time to have a break from the snake juice, Stop being a wally!” And with that, “Wally” was off like prawns in the noon day sun!

“Stone the crows! Your blood’s worth bottlin’!” I smiled at the barman as he handed me my steak sanga.

A fair dinkum Happy Australia Day to y’all!



Steak Sanga: Slightly flatten 4 rib fillets; spray with oil; press in cracked pepper; cook 3mins per side; set aside; keep warm. Toast 8 large, thick bread slices. Spread half with mayo; top with cheese slices, steaks, beetroot, sliced avocado, tomato, lettuce, and fried red onions. Spread remaining bread with mayo; place on top.

Spicy Mutton Chops: Melt 1/4c ghee over med-heat; increase heat a little; add 1tbs crushed ginger and garlic; sauté; add 10-12 mutton chops, 1c yoghurt, 1tsp each cumin, allspice, turmeric, garam masala and chilli to taste; season; cover; simmer 15-20mins. Oil grill; grill chops 10-15mins.

Aussie Meat Pie: Sauté 2 sliced onions and 4 crushed garlic cloves, 4-5mins; transfer to plate. Toss 1kg chuck steak, cut into 3cm pieces, in seasoned flour (salt, pepper, dry mustard, dried herbs). Add another 2tbs butter to pan; brown beef in 3 batches, 3-4mins. Return onions to beef; add 200g halved button mushrooms and 100g chopped pancetta; cook 3-5mins; add 2c beef stock, 1-1/2c shiraz, 1/4c oregano and 2-3tbs Worcestershire sauce. Cook 50-60mins. Lightly grease 8x1c pie dishes; press short-crust pastry into each dish, leaving overhang; spoon cooled beef into dishes. Cut rounds from frozen puff pastry; cover filling; press edges together; trim and crimp. Make a small steam vent in tops; brush with beaten egg; cook on baking tray in preheated 190C oven, 25-30mins.