WITH A NICK NACK PADDY WHACK!

I’m sure St. Paddy was still a greenhorn when he came rolling home and gave the dog a bone, or when he played nick nack on the drum, door, shoe, and on the poor old hen.  The hen was just trying to lay an egg, for heaven’s sake!  

Once he’d settled back in Ireland Paddy’s excuse for waving  his staff about (as in walking stick, not employees) was to banish snakes from the top of the hill while fastidiously trying to fast. My walking stick is handy for many purposes other than what it’s meant for, too.  If I come across a snake on the hill I hobble past fast, or backtrack and give it a whack.  

A few fibs surrounded Paddy.  No doubt to glamorise his exploits; to make him appear more interesting in the years before Fake News and social media. By adding a few bells, whistles and colourful streamers to one’s activities and character, the interest of others is immediately aroused.

Delving into historical evidence Ireland never had snakes of the slithering, reptilian kind.  Paddy probably waved his wand around for the fun of it. 

Young Paddy didn’t wear glasses, but he could have been short-sighted.  Optometrists were non-existent in the Fifth Century.

Paddy mistook the Druids, members of the high-ranking professional class in ancient Celtic cultures, for snakes. It was the Druids he drove out of Ireland – by foot. No motor vehicles were used to achieve the feat. Henry Ford hadn’t yet appeared on the scene.  The Model A Ford had not even hit the assembly line, let alone the Model T!

On their way to England, Irish pirates battled a turbulent Irish Sea. In a display of grand sailing ability, they managed to dodge the Isle of Man. 

(It’s a wonder in these days of political-correctness, gender neutrality, the #MeToo blustering etc., someone hasn't complained, demanding the name of the Isle of Man to be changed to “Isle of Woman”...or “Isle of Someone or Other”)!

The intention of the brigands of the waterways, other than plundering and looting, was to join Captain Jack Sparrow over a barrel or two of rum, as well as a “Ho! Ho! Ho!” of the jovial, verbal kind.  Unfortunately, having docked shortly after Jack had set sail for the Caribbean, they missed him by “that much”.

  

Proof timing is everything - even back then in the wild old days - Paddy strolled by with his shillelagh under his arm and a twinkle in his eye the very moment of their docking.

The blustering buccaneers nabbed the unsuspecting lad, and whisked him off back to Northern Ireland. 

Many years later, Paddy became the first bishop of Armagh - and first Primate of Ireland (not of the simian kind)....more about the lad's achievements after my digression below...

My paternal grandparents came from Lurgan, County Armagh, Northern Ireland.  My grandma, a lady of orange leanings – it could be the reason why I love oranges so much - switched to green to satisfy her soon-to-be in-laws and their kin.  In the early 1900s the couple emigrated to Australia to begin a new life. They settled in Rockhampton, central Queensland...a town/city that sits comfortably on the Tropic of Capricorn. 

Once comfortably settled, there they had six children, one of whom fathered my late brother and me. I’m an eclectic mix of Irish and Scottish Highlanders. No relation to Paddy, or simians - that I’m aware of... 

Raised by our mother and her mother, our Nana...my brother and I attended the Scots Church...the Presbyterian Church...when we were children.  We often did go in search of four-leaf clovers...and may have even found one or two...or pretended we did!

Not one to squander time, Paddy put his six years of captivity in Ireland to good use while he waited to be returned to England.

Voices in his head - not caused by smoking shamrocks - told him he should change his habits. Upon release, he headed eastward and once again crossed the Irish Sea to his homeland. 

Paddy wandered around Old Blighty for a few years, but the voices in his head were relentless - insistent he return to the Emerald Isle. 

Over there the reclusive, mischievous little leprechauns in their green suits and top hats had become Paddy’s confidants; his best friends.  They’d spent countless hours in search of four-leaf clovers.  Three-leaf shamrocks were of no interest to Paddy and his mates.

Way before the Vikings looted and plundered Ireland in the 9^th Century, Paddy and his sprightly little friends sought pots of gold at the end of rainbows. They never divulged their successes to inquisitive others.  Poetic licence applies.   

Happy St. Patrick’s Day - 17^th March....

Orange Apricot Irish Soda Bread: Preheat oven, 190C.  Line a baking tray. Add 2c plain flour, 2c whole wheat flour, 2tbs sugar, 1tsp baking soda and 1-1/2tsp salt in bowl of mixer with paddle attachment; mix on low speed; add 4tbs cold unsalted butter cut into 1cm cubes; mix on low until completely mixed into dry ingredients; use your fingers if necessary. In a jug, use fork to beat 1-3/4c cold buttermilk, 1 egg and zest of 1 orange; slowly add to dry ingredients on low speed; mix until just combined. Toss 1c chopped dried apricots in 1tbs flour; mix into dough on low speed until just combined.  Dough will be very wet. Pour out onto well-floured surface; sprinkle with flour. With floured hands, knead a few times into shape of round loaf. Place on lined tray. Cut a small “X” into centre. Bake 45-55mins; cool on wire rack.

Paddy’s Pesto Prawns: Process 2c thawed peas, 1c basil leaves, 6 garlic cloves, 1c parmesan, 1/3c olive oil, 1tbs lemon juice, 1/2c chick/veg stock; season. Cook 454g penne pasta; drain. Heat 1tbs olive oil in pan; add 350g green prawns, 1 sliced yellow capsicum; then 1/2c sliced sundried tomatoes, pasta and pea pesto; toss to combine; heat through.

St. Paddy Sprouts: Preheat cast iron pan over med-heat. Fry 240g bacon until crisp; remove to cool. Don’t drain out fat. Halve or quarter 455g Brussels sprouts; add to bacon fat. Fry until lightly browned, fork tender. Turn off heat. Crumble bacon; add to sprouts; add 1/2c dried cranberries; season; serve hot or cold.

Shamrock Smoothie: Add 2c kale and 1c unsweetened almond milk to blender. Blend kale until smooth. Add 1tbs coconut flakes, 1 small frozen banana, 1/4c fresh or frozen pineapple, 1/4c fresh or frozen mango, 1tsp powdered or fresh ginger, 1/4tsp cardamom and 1scoop protein powder. Blend until smooth.