Saturday Ponderings....

Love in Past Tense

Rarely did she see him...when she did his mind was elsewhere it was oh so clear
He spoke of much however not often to her alone...she, he had chosen to forego
His words although fluent were spoken only to impress others, to her it did appear
He craved the praise the accolades their swooning approval fodder for his ego

Foolishly she chose not to heed signs he so callously and readily waved her way
In the background lost in the shadows she waited in hope...unconsiously knowing
His desire for fawning adulation consuming voraciously manipulating night and day
A continual search for confirmation of his higher intelligence his demands growing

Generous with her love her heart she handed him never intending to smother him
An undemanding love never good enough for him he had proven time and time again
With awakened mind and aching heart she realised his feelings for her to be a whim
Unselfishly she gave of herself only to be spurned by him causing bitter tears and pain

Nothing left but echoing emptiness memories of happier times...had there been any truth
In their shared moments of passion early morning love their moonlit walks along a beach
The words 'I love you' locked in his throat so foreign to his heart always he was uncouth
Even moments she needed him most his love never hers to enjoy he kept far out of reach

(Butterfly and poem by me...and pictures of changing moods in my garden)

"What happens in the past never goes away".

An astute statement, but, unfortunately not of my creation. Memories remain long after those who shared in their formation have left our lives to follow other paths or some who’ve passed onto the ‘other world’, if there is such a place.

Flashbacks, oft-times welcomed…many times intrusive, frequent my mind. Mingled within my midnight to dawn travels, eerie dreams encroach to remind, torment and haunt. Anger undiminished as demons persist. Forever, my childhood years affect and colour my life. Amongst my memories are some I wish not to recall, but faithfully they remain, not eager to depart.

Facing truth is difficult unless one is able to accept what occurred in the past. To be capable of staunchly moving forwards towards greener pastures by persistence and hard work is so often fraught with failure. Always afraid to show one’s true inner self, it’s seems easier to hide behind a make-believe persona. Recognising and accepting honest emotions towards siblings and parents without guilt, if the feelings are not always shrouded in love and lightness causes pain and confusion. Finding courage to express candidly thoughts that torment, takes a lifetime of inner turmoil. However, one can defy grief, heartache and lack of self-esteem by sustaining moral sensibility, patience and holding onto a continual enchantment in the simple pleasures of life and the intoxication of nature's bounty. All are positive, stimulating actions against persistent, character-demeaning demons.

It’s a given we love our parents and siblings. To have adverse feelings is not normal, or is it? Is it not possible at times to be inflicted by such inclinations? Embedded within us is the belief we are to love of our family members through thick and thin, come what may. It is expected. Is it abnormal to feel otherwise? Is it evil? Obviously one’s life can’t always be plain sailing, with smooth waters forever along the way. Each member of a family should conduct his or her self in a manner to earn, to deserve love and respect as one expects with and from chosen friends and others.

Unfortunately, this is not always so.