Friday, October 12, 2007

Saturday Ponderings....

Love in Past Tense

Rarely did she see him...when she did his mind was elsewhere it was oh so clear
He spoke of much however not often to her alone...she, he had chosen to forego
His words although fluent were spoken only to impress others, to her it did appear
He craved the praise the accolades their swooning approval fodder for his ego

Foolishly she chose not to heed signs he so callously and readily waved her way
In the background lost in the shadows she waited in hope...unconsiously knowing
His desire for fawning adulation consuming voraciously manipulating night and day
A continual search for confirmation of his higher intelligence his demands growing

Generous with her love her heart she handed him never intending to smother him
An undemanding love never good enough for him he had proven time and time again
With awakened mind and aching heart she realised his feelings for her to be a whim
Unselfishly she gave of herself only to be spurned by him causing bitter tears and pain

Nothing left but echoing emptiness memories of happier times...had there been any truth
In their shared moments of passion early morning love their moonlit walks along a beach
The words 'I love you' locked in his throat so foreign to his heart always he was uncouth
Even moments she needed him most his love never hers to enjoy he kept far out of reach

(Butterfly and poem by me...and pictures of changing moods in my garden)

"What happens in the past never goes away".

An astute statement, but, unfortunately not of my creation. Memories remain long after those who shared in their formation have left our lives to follow other paths or some who’ve passed onto the ‘other world’, if there is such a place.

Flashbacks, oft-times welcomed…many times intrusive, frequent my mind. Mingled within my midnight to dawn travels, eerie dreams encroach to remind, torment and haunt. Anger undiminished as demons persist. Forever, my childhood years affect and colour my life. Amongst my memories are some I wish not to recall, but faithfully they remain, not eager to depart.

Facing truth is difficult unless one is able to accept what occurred in the past. To be capable of staunchly moving forwards towards greener pastures by persistence and hard work is so often fraught with failure. Always afraid to show one’s true inner self, it’s seems easier to hide behind a make-believe persona. Recognising and accepting honest emotions towards siblings and parents without guilt, if the feelings are not always shrouded in love and lightness causes pain and confusion. Finding courage to express candidly thoughts that torment, takes a lifetime of inner turmoil. However, one can defy grief, heartache and lack of self-esteem by sustaining moral sensibility, patience and holding onto a continual enchantment in the simple pleasures of life and the intoxication of nature's bounty. All are positive, stimulating actions against persistent, character-demeaning demons.

It’s a given we love our parents and siblings. To have adverse feelings is not normal, or is it? Is it not possible at times to be inflicted by such inclinations? Embedded within us is the belief we are to love of our family members through thick and thin, come what may. It is expected. Is it abnormal to feel otherwise? Is it evil? Obviously one’s life can’t always be plain sailing, with smooth waters forever along the way. Each member of a family should conduct his or her self in a manner to earn, to deserve love and respect as one expects with and from chosen friends and others.

Unfortunately, this is not always so.


  1. When we are small, I think we crave love from parents, but some parents don't deserve to be loved. As for siblings, we are all different, tossed into " family" and sometimes we are opposites. Respect is important, yes. Sometimes it's nice not to live so close to family, because time together is more appreciated. Respect needs to be earned, and when it's lost, is hard to return, but sometimes no matter what the deed, even with no respect we still love the miscreant.

  2. Whoa, Sunny heavy stuff for a Friday night! Great poem with wonderful and deep feeling. AW what you say is also true. I've had perfect strangers treat me better than my own family. The term familiarity breeds contempt seems to run in families. Families just try to get by with so much crap just because they are families.

  3. Sunny, on another (and brighter) note, when is the best time to visit you down under? I've checked the airline schedules (what a loooonnnnngggg trip!) but it does seem doable. Let me know what your schedule is like. Maybe our winter, which will be your summer?

  4. Lee, you there? Sorry about the Sunny thing, getting my blogs confused. Hope you are doing okay!

  5. Well, I am here! A friend just popped in...we drank a bottle of wine and a bit each and talked our heads off...broaching, coincidentally, on a lot of what I just wrote was good.

    You are so right, AW. Thank you. :) is so good to "hear" from you. Any time is good "Down Under" except the heat of summer. Perhaps the time from March/April through to September is the best time.

    I don't mind at all if you refer to me as "sunny" me what you may...but never call me late for dinner or a drink! ;)

  6. Hi Lee ~~ I see in comments that a friend popped in and you shared a drink or three and some conversation
    Your poem is lovely, but sad, butterfly very nice and garen pics very nice also. Thanks for your visit. I hope you are not feeling too sad my friend. Take great care, Love, Merle.

  7. A melancoly post. If you have not seen The Lion King you need to rent it and watch it. Puppy played that movie all one summer when it came out but in it is a very true scene. The quote "It is in the past, forget about it or learn from it". was made and now I take with me a beanie baby of the baboon to remind me of such. I put him on top of my easel when I paint.

    Glad your pallie came by and you enjoyed wine and whine. Just kidding about the whine but talk does not ryhme.

    As usual your talent sleighs me.

    peace be with you

  8. I guess we all go thru some troubling times. Some of us keep it under our caps others of us don't. I guess I'm one who keeps their cap pulled down tight. Maybe it's the Nebraska wind or more likely a lack of hair to shield dome.

  9. No...I'm not feeling sad, Merle. I'm feeling pretty good, actually. Yesterday was a day full of surprises and lots of fun...thanks for your kind thoughts. :)

    Hey there Lady Di...I've never seen "The Lion King" day I must get the DVD and watch it. Everyone says it's I'll have to put it on my "must see" list.

    I just opened up my wallet, Cliff and let some moths out! ;)

  10. I am always amazed by so many people who have estranged family members whom they do not see. I'm not talking truly disfunctional families but fallings out over things that should be solvable. What happened to forgiveness and starting afresh. I guess some wounds are too deep to heal, but I would hope that I would be able to overcome such a happening in my family.
    Interesting post Lee.

  11. So true, jmb...there are many estranged families.

    I have no immediate family left, other than two nephews and a niece, children of my late brother. All of whom live elsewhere. I lost my only sibling, my brother, back in 1998. My mother and grandmother both passed away in the mid-seventies. Both my mother and brother passed away far too young. My Nana was 81 when she, in actual fact, I'm an "orphan". Sometimes, hearing about the problems others have to contend with, I think I'm fortunate not to have any family hassles.

    It's the old saying..."you can choose your friends...etc."

  12. Lovely but sad poem and the photos are beautiful.

    We don't get to choose our families.

    I don't know your situation but I do know mine. I can love someone without liking them very much from time to time.

    Thanks for your comment. My team San Francisco Giants) went down in flames early in the season. Now I'm just watching because I like baseball.

    Probably the Colorado Rockies. They've never won a world series. All the others have.

  13. Lee, I didn't see that last comment before I wrote what I did about choosing your friends but not your family.

  14. No problem, granny. I know exactly what you mean. :)

    Sorry about your team. Never mind...maybe next time. You love the game, so that's what matters most.

  15. Hi, Lee. I'm catching up! Lovely pics and a wonderful poem, with which I fully identify. It's NOT wrong to feel that your family have let you down, or to appreciate your friends more. You can, after all, choose the latter. There are some things which are just not solvable within families, jmb.

  16. G'day Welsh...'Tis good to have you back after your trip across the pond. :)

    It is true, some family members behave badly because they "think" they can and can get away with it...just because they're family. My belief is one would not put up with such behaviour from a friend or friends. Being related is no excuse, in my book.

    Thanks for your comments, this one and the others :)

  17. Amen AW. How to let go of the sad and bad memories of parents that don't deserve love and respect? I honor my parents but at times that is all I have for them. That is me thinking out loud. Sorry for the life history soapbox. That was my turmoil and now that Alzheimer's has taken the good from my parents and the guilt becomes overwhelming sometimes it is good to know I am not alone. A beautiful butterfly that Charlise and I can enjoy. Thanks again Lee for the great things that you do. ;)

  18. Hey! It's good to hear from you, Sandra. We should never feel guilt for our innermost thoughts...some are well-founded and the feelings of "guilt" have been forced upon us by others. No need for apologies for the truth...ever. :)

  19. I loved this entry I have been feeling so upset with both of my sister's latley. I feel as if they take advantage of me all the time. I'm the oldest and I feel like they depend on me to much. It is strange because one week I feel annoyed and the next I feel so glad that we are all so close.

  20. Hey finally I put you in my links... I am recategorizing by country... far easier on my brains...

    Depression you are right IS depressing and that self-perpetuates it... very true...

    Do you ever make apple crumble?

    Or blackberry crumble... do you GET blackberries Down Under..??

  21. I most certainly do make apple crumble, Gled...and any other crumble I can with whatever fruits I feel like at the time. The last time I had friends to lunch I made a rhubarb crumble. Regarding blackberries...the following may be of interest to you.

    Blackberry’s tasty fruit was the reason for its original introduction into Australia in the early 1800’s. Now very widespread, it is probably the one noxious weed group that most people can identify!

    Blackberry infests an estimated 8.8 million hectares of land in Australia. Its invasive nature and resistance to chemical control makes it a very difficult plant to eradicate. In northern New South Wales, it is a major weed of the tablelands and slopes. Blackberry is a problem in the higher areas of the Gwydir and Inverell Shires.

    Blackberry can completely invade grazing properties, waterways, even abandoned buildings.


    The problem with blackberry is its invasiveness. Unimpeded, it has the potential to keep spreading until it reduces a property’s stock-carrying capacity to nil. Its growth pattern around waterways is so strong that it impedes stock access to water.

  22. Hi Lee ~Very nice poetry.
    You choose your close friends, but not your family members.

    If you would allow me to indulge in some philosophical musings on your thoughts (since you seem to be asking some questions of a philosophical nature on aspects I have been thinking about recently)I would say that I think your experiences, in fact life experiences in general is our gift of life which can never be fully understood.

    I don’t think we will ever be privy to all of the information about it, hence I think we will never fully understand our ultimate reality or truth although individually we can arrive at our own conclusions, which will ever change as we obtain more information.

    This assumes reality and information is one and the same thing, something that seems a likely hypothesis but is unprovable.
    The downside to this hypothesis is if information and realty are the same we will never have information on the state on every aspects of life itself since we are trapped in that sector of reality in space and time to which we occupy and cannot go outside it to view it. But we have the freedom of free will to make our decisions, based upon that information in the best interests of those involved. This will change over time.

    Best wishes

  23. lee,
    The unpredictability of life is what spurs us on, whether from disappointment or pleasure following.

  24. I think one never fully understands all the intricacies of life, Lindsay. Moments of clarity sometimes appear when least expected...and then can just as quickly disappear from one single thought or memory. I believe a life not questioned is a life not worth living. Questioning is part of who one is, I believe. I hope I continue to question. ;)

    So true, Rel...if only the expected happened, life would be pretty dull! ;)