SPIT IT OUT! IF YOU CAN’T SPELL IT, DON’T TRY SAYING IT!

Cheers!  Bottoms Up!

Do you have words you stumble over?  Do you have words you try your hardest not to use because every time you do you stuff them up?  I admit I’ve a few.  Hmmmm….take “phenomenonomemomemom” or “phenomenononomonalalalal”, for instance!  Why not say “a remarkable occurrence”?  The latter is as a descriptive; has the same meaning, and it flows fluidly off the tongue without a hiccup.  Now, that is phenomenal!

Years ago I decided to change tack because embarrassment was/is an embarrassing state in which to find my own self; particularly when I had no intention of going there. I’d not bought a ticket, nor made a booking!

After making a total idiot of myself thousands of times when forced into the inescapable naughty phenomenal corner I reached out to Houdini for advice. Pointless, really, because he was dead – still is.  As he couldn’t help me I promised to never let the word trip and stumble out of my mouth again. Once that weight was lifted off my shoulders I felt like soaring to the heights.

There’s nothing worse (well - there is worse, but remaining on subject without succumbing to the lure of digression) than being in the midst of a conversation with people I barely know and one of “those” unmentionable words rears its convoluted head. 

When/if such an uncomfortable situation arises, instead of putting my foot in my mouth I pop an hors-d'oeuvre into it; or should that be a horse’s doover? 

As a child I was taught never to speak with my mouth full. I always do as I’m told…almost always…okay, sometimes!  However, those practical, wise words of wisdom in the art of good manners prove their worth time and time again. 

Don’t try saying “twelfth” if you’re munching on a mouthful of nuts.

A further warning - if you attempt to utter “his horse was placed sixth on the isthmus” a few times you’ll “spith chipsth’. Saying it once is difficult enough. 

An anemone can be an enemy. It could be worth your while to bypass that one, as well.

A good (or bad) example is “Otorhinolaryngologist”.  My advice is to stay clear of this one. 

Its correct pronunciation is: Oto-rhino-laryng-ologist.  The word has nothing to do with rhinocerouseseseses. In simpler terms, it’s an “ear-nose-throat specialist”, which is far easier to say. If you’ve no choice and no escape – mumble and cough simultaneously to muffle the kerfuffle you’re making of the ridiculous word.

Is there anyone who pronounces “Worcestershire” aka “Wuss-ter-sheer” correctly?   It takes less effort to say “Holbrooks” or “Lea & Perrins”. 

Lately I’ve noticed a lot of chefs on cooking shows saying ”oleeeeve” oil.  Why, I wonder? 
It’s not “acteeve”, nor is it “positeeve” nor is it “negateeve” ...therefore, in my book, neither is it “oleeve!”

I wish they’d leave olive alone! Popeye will get upset!

I rue the day I have to say “rural” repeatedly! 

It’s gruelling having to read out loud the works of Russian novelists like Zhukovsky, Turgenev, Saltykov-Schedrin, Dostoyevsky, or the poets, Baratynsky, Batyushkov, Konstaninovich et al. 

Leo Tolstoy is simple to pronounce, but try saying out loud continually at a rapid pace the name of his infamous heroine, Anna Karenina. Don’t even attempt those she hung around with such as Kirillovich Vronsky, Stiva Arkadyevich Oblonsky, Konstantin Dmitrievich, Sergej Ivanovich Koznyshev, Princess Ekaterina Alexandrovna Shcherbatskaya, to jumble but a few. Whew!

Why couldn’t Anna be friends with Tom Smith, Fred Brown and Jane Jones? 

Let’s not forget “War and Peace”! Sadistic old Leo was at it again. Boris Pasternak joined in the fray with “Dr. Zhivago”.  Halfway through the story everyone changed names because of the damn Russian Revolution!

That’s when I revolted and refused to join a book club that discussed Russian writers.

Shchi: Preheat oven, 204C. Season 2 beef shanks; rub in garlic powder; roast 25mins. Cool; remove meat from bones; chop coarsely; reserve bones. To Dutch oven add meat, bones, 8c water, 2 chopped celery stalks,1-1/2 chopped onions, 4 chopped small turnips, 5 carrots cut into ½-inch rounds, 1c dry lentils, 2 bay leaves, 454g passata, 454g crushed tomatoes, 1tsp paprika, 2tsp fresh thyme, salt, pepper and 1 crushed garlic. Bring to boil; simmer on low, uncovered 3hrs. Stir in ½ head cabbage, shredded; cook 30mins; add 6 potatoes, quartered; cover; cook 20mins. Serve soup with dollop of sour cream.

Imeretian Khachapuri: Mix together 200ml warm water and1tbs dry/instant yeast; set aside. Combine 1.5kg plain flour, 200ml warm milk, 50ml oil, 1 large egg, 1tsp sugar, 1tsp salt and yeast. Knead by hand, or with dough hook until smooth, elastic dough. Use extra warm water if needed. Cover with greased plastic wrap; let rise in a warm place 2hrs. Punch down dough; divide into two; cover; let rest 15mins. Combine 600g grated cheese (half feta/half mozzarella), 2 eggs and 30g butter. Heat oven, 176C. Roll dough to form 2 flattish round shapes; create lip around edge. Place cheese in centre of circles. Fold up dough edges to completely seal cheese inside. Flatten filled dough with your palms and fingers without breaking the dough. Turn dough over; flatten out to make circular shape. Place on a paper-lined rimmed baking sheet; bake 10mins; then brush dough with beaten egg yolk. Bake another 5mins until dough is golden. Take out of oven; rub entire surface with butter, if desired; cut into slices.

Potato Blinis with Sour Cream and Caviar: Beat whites of 2 large eggs at medium speed until stiff peaks form.  Whisk the egg yolks until thickened. Stir in 1 large, grated potato, 9tbs plain flour, 2tbs whipping cream, 1tsp salt and 1/2tsp pepper. Fold in egg whites. Pour some vegetable oil to depth of ½-ich in large, heavy pan. When hot drop potato mixture, by teaspoonfuls, into the hot oil; fry, in batches, 1-2mins on each side or until golden; drain on paper towels. Serve topped with sour cream and caviar.

Zakuski Salad: Place 2 finely grated carrots in a bowl or dish; drizzle over juice of 1 lemon.  Mix together 200ml sour cream and 40ml horseradish; place on top of grated carrots; top with cracked black pepper and lemon zest.

Bucatini all´Amatriciana: Cut 240g bacon or pancetta into small cubes; brown with one chopped onion (and crushed garlic clove, if  desired) in ex-virgin OLIVE oil; add a little dry white wine over high heat until it evaporates; add 1 sliced hot chilli, 1-1/2 cups quality passata, salt and pepper to taste; cook 30mins over low heat. Cook 430g bucatini pasta to al dente; drain; mix with sauce.  Sprinkle with freshly grated pecorino cheese and freshly grated black pepper.

"Bottoms Up!  Za Sda-Ró-Vye! Salute! Cin Cin! Skål! Budmo! Za vas! Za zdorovie! Prost! Prosit! Zum Wohl! Cheers!  Cheers, Big Ears - Here's Mud in Your Eye!"  

Vladivostokalokova: Shake with cracked ice, 22ml Gin, 22ml Vodka, 15ml grapefruit juice, and a dash of Bitters. (You can use pink grapefruit, if you prefer). Decorate with mint leaves and/or slice grapefruit.