IF YOU’RE HAVING FUN...DON’T PAT YOUR TUM!

The “experts” in the media...in various newspapers/tabloids, magazines and online sites...those who think they’re “in-the-know” (more often on the nose), won’t be happy until Harry and Meghan have separated and divorced.  Day after day, they dream and scheme.

Nicole and Keith split up every other week, in between Nicole being pregnant, or running away with Alexander Skarsgård, who played her abusive husband in ‘Big Little Lies”.   It’s all lies, you know...

If the myriad stories are to be believed Nicole is permanently pregnant; permanently fed-up with Keith strumming his guitar; and/or they’ve got two dozen kids hidden away somewhere. 

Take note...you read it here first - Jen and Brad never separated and divorced.  The six kids Angie drags around are, in fact, Brad and Jennifer’s offspring.  It’s been a well-kept secret, but the time has come to divulge the truth...Angelina is J & B’s nanny.  Justin Theroux was their gardener until they rounded him up, and gave him the boot for spraying their garden, killing everything in sight.  It's the pits!

If a woman is caught with her hand on her stomach she’s pregnant.  I’m not sure what it means if a bloke puts his hand on his belly.  I'm totally at a loss what it means if you put your hands on someone's bum, or shoulders, as shown in the above image!

Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, is another who is always pregnant. Frequently, she’s expecting twins.  I wish she’d call everyone’s bluff, and have triplets.  Some bright spark came up with the tale Kate and Megan were due on the same day. They failed to explain the duchesses were due to arrive at the same function on the same day...at the same time.  The girls aced it by turning up together at Wimbledon, having shared an Uber. 

To put a halt to any rumours...in case there are misconceptions about Immaculate Conception...if you see me touching my tum when I’m out and about in the public arena, I assure you, I am not up the duff.  I’ve either got an itch or, I’ve had an extra muffin for breakfast. 

By the way...I read somewhere Chelsy Davy wants Harry back.  I believe the story was a misprint.  Chelsy wanted to hurry back to Zimbabwe.  

One week Harry went missing; then Kate went missing, followed by Meghan.  William called out, “Coming, ready or not!”  He found them hiding behind the drapes in the throne room in Buckingham Palace.  Liz tipped him off...spoil sport!

It’s a no-no to be photographed not smiling.  Not smiling is a deadest omen of doom... trouble is in the air; a break-up is imminent. The gossip-mongers won’t be content until everyone has had six sets of twins; three sets of triplets; separated, then divorced; and, err...George Clooney announces he’s making a sequel to the “Return of the Killer Tomatoes”; or Fergie and dear old Phil.. who won’t be driving.... have scarpered off together to Saint-Tropez to do some toe-sucking.

I don’t care what hairstyles Donald or Boris have.  

Karl Stefanovic (if your interest has been alerted....Google him those of you in the Northern Hemisphere. He interests me not!) is forever packing his bags. Which is to be expected, I suspect, before he jets off overseas...today, tomorrow, or whenever...to interview someone or the other – or just to have fun.  Boys, as well as girls just wanna have fun.  Karl’s new wife, Jasmine could pack his bags for him but, she is expecting sextuplets...

Lleyton and Bec Hewitt have been on the verge of divorce since before they married.  I saw Bec on “Home and Away” the other night, strolling along the beach hand in hand with Alf. Watch this space – new couple alert imminent! 

And, then there’s the Beckhams - they constantly bend the rules of marital harmony.

Breakfast Muffins: Preheat oven 175C. Line a 12 muffin tin; spray.  Whisk 3 large eggs and 1-1/2c egg whites (or 9 large eggs) 30secs. Add 1/2c cottage cheese, or 1/4c feta, 1/4c shredded mozzarella, 1tbs onion or garlic powder, salt, pepper, some chilli flakes. Add 1c cooked quinoa, 2c coarsely chopped broccoli or asparagus, 1/2c chopped parsley and 2 chopped shallots. Fill each muffin 3/4 full; sprinkle mozzarella on top. Bake 20-25mins; serve hot or cold.  

Pancakes: Add 1/4tsp apple cider vinegar to 1/4c coconut milk; set aside to culture 3mins. Combine 3 eggs, 2-1/2tbs coconut oil, and coconut milk mixture. Add 1/4c coconut flour and 1/4tsp baking soda; don’t over-mix. Heat pan to med-heat with coconut oil spray. Use 1/4 cup measure - spoon batter into pan. Cook until edges are set and bubbles are in the middle. Flip; cook 30secs. Add favourite toppings.

Breakfast Tomatoes: Preheat oven 175C. Cut a large circle into the top of 2 tomatoes. Remove core, stems, seeds, leaving wall of tomatoes intact. In bowl, combine 1/2tsp each salt, pepper and 1tbs finely chopped parsley. Rub half of the mixture onto inside wall of one tomato and other half onto inside wall of the other tomato. In pan, heat 1tbs olive oil over med-heat. Add 3 sliced shallots, green and white part, and 2 minced garlic cloves; cook 5mins. Divide mixture in half; place into bottoms of tomatoes. Divide 1/4c chopped spinach in half; place over top of onion-garlic mixture. Divide 1/4c shredded Parmesan in half; place over spinach. Crack raw egg into each tomato. Put tomatoes on a greased baking tray; bake 25-30 mins, or until egg is cooked through. Top with shredded Parmesan and finely chopped fresh parsley, or chives.