A BIT OF BUMP AND GRIND NEVER GOES ASTRAY!

 

Gypsy Rose Lee

As I shuffle...hobble...around with my walking stick always in hand, or at hand, pole dancing is off the list of activities I’m able to perform.  However, I do have another, previously never before divulged talent. Are you sitting down?  Do you have some smelling salts nearby?

Others are busy stripping supermarket shelves, but I’m stripping in the conventional way.

To explain, in case you're scratching your head...I've taken up the ancient performance art, which is thought by some to have originated in Babylonia.  In the mid-20th century, in the US, it gathered momentum under another guise...took off under the new name “striptease”.  

 I have to loosen up my hips some way, so why not by the exotic dance?

If she had seen me a couple of weeks ago, the once-famous stripper Gypsy Rose Lee would have been very proud of me, her protégé.  After all, I guess it is to be expected.  She and I do share a name.  I must check my family tree...perhaps we’re related somewhere down the line, or limb.

Strolling along IGA’s aisles the other day I was drawing close to the ice cream freezer where my favourite Peters Connoisseurs are stored when I felt something weird going on at my rear. 

Feeling around, I discovered my pants, my black slacks, were slipping down my behind – down my bum!  I can’t recall if Shirley Bassey’s “Big Spender” was playing through the store’s music system, but if it was, I’m sure I was swaying in tune, not a beat out of place, bumping and grinding, trolley in tow.

Wasting no time in yanking my escaping slacks back up to my waist, I broke into laughter.  Fortunately, my under-daks were black, too, disguising my brazen, public display somewhat.

I don’t charge for my shows. They are free entertainment for all.  Generous that way, I like to share...to entertain at no cost...at any cost.  

It’s a shame no scouts from The Rear End, Exotic Dancers Club weren’t present at the time of my spontaneous performance.  They would have signed me up on the spot, immediately, without hesitation.

It is good sense to keep one’s own self, and others, amused during the present time when so many among us are frazzled.  I proved it can be done without tassles.

There are ways...and there are other ways, I suppose.

However, I suppose, public stripping is probably not advisable.  Never did I think I’d be taking up stripping and entertaining fellow-shoppers in that manner.

Perhaps, it would be better for everyone concerned, me included, if I gave up public striptease, and I stuck to pencil drawing (not dropping my drawers)., bingeing (on streaming series, not food, or grog!)...and the three ‘R’s”...aka...‘readin’, ‘ritin’, and ‘rithmetic!   There! I’m just droppin’ my “G’s”, not my daks!

The new sketch pad, and boxes of pencils I bought when I was out stripping sit beside me here on my desk.  So far I’ve released one pencil, and struck a few light strokes...limbering up.

I’m awaiting an Adonna Khare-Paul Cadden-Diego Fazio-Kelvin Okavo-Marco Mazzoni moment to hit me.  For those who are not aware, they are just a few of the world’s greatest pencil/graphite artists/drawers. All of whom, I think, keep their drawers on! 

Maybe a visit by the ghosts of Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, Degas, Van Gogh is what I need.  I’m sure more than one ghost is allowed to visit at any given time.  In reality, though, if we open our eyes, and look around us, there is much to be inspired by...too often, we wear blinkers. 

Some shoppers the other day in IGA wished they had blinkers on (or masks) when I was doing my “Take It Off/Bang Bang Boom!” routine. 

Who knows? Maybe I missed my calling.  It’s not too late to start....as I displayed the other day...

Whole Roasted Strip Loin: Have a 2.3kg whole strip loin roast tied at 2-inch/5cm intervals. Coarsely grind 1tbs black peppercorns and 6 whole allspice berries together. Combine with 2tbs salt in bowl. Sprinkle mixture evenly over roast. Grate 4 garlic cloves; rub into beef. Line roasting pan with 2 bunches rosemary, thyme, or savoury; set roast on top. Leave to absorb seasonings for 1hr at room temp, or chill overnight (bring to room temp before roasting). Heat oven 200C; roast beef, uncovered, 1hr, for med-rare. Serve with roasted vegies, and Horseradish Sauce:- Whisk together 1c crème fraîche, 1tbs Dijon mustard, 3tbs grated horseradish, pinch cayenne; season.  

Chilli-Espresso Strip Loin Steaks: Preheat barbecue to med-high. Trim excess fat from 8 strip loin steaks, each at least 1-inch/5cm thick, about 250g each. Using tip of sharp knife, make shallow cuts, about 5cm apart around edges of steaks to stop them from curling. Stir 2tsp brown sugar, 2tsp chilli powder and 1tsp coarsely ground black pepper in small bowl. Using about 1tsp instant coffee granules, rub the coffee between your fingers to crush before stirring into seasonings; generously season steaks.  Oil grill; cook steaks with lid open, 5-6mins per side for med-rare etc.  Transfer to plates; let stand about 5mins before serving.

Chicken Strips: Heat oven 218C. Line baking sheet with foil; spray with cooking spray.  In a shallow dish, place ¼ plain flour; in another 1 egg beaten with 1tbs water; in another dish mix together 1c panko breadcrumbs and 1/2c grated Parmesan; coat strips in flour; then egg; then coat with breadcrumb mixture. Place on tray; bake 15-20mins, turning once, until golden brown; serve with dipping sauce of choice.